Too many tweets make a tw*t

11:38 pm : Saturday, 9 January 2021  |  , , , ,

Twitter has managed to get two things right today. Firstly, after a four-month wait, they finally got around to lifting the restrictions on my account. This happened due to my being unable to verify my account by text, having changed phone numbers. Goodness knows how many times I contacted them to say: "Please! Lift the suspension already! I will verify the account when you LET me!" Only this morning did I send my first tweet in four damn months.

The other thing they finally got around to doing was banning that orange idiot Donald Trump. At long last the popular microblogging site is free of his rot and his lies. He pushed his luck way too far, and only got away with murder because of his status. My first Twitter account was suspended due to me quoting an already commonplace hashtag, while referencing the the radical feminist Valerie Solanas. You have to be so careful what you say on there. Unless of course you happen to be POTUS. Let us be thankful Kanye West did not run for POTUS and then get elected! Then there would be tweets about him being the black Jesus. Spare us the arrogance!

Hitting home

1:46 am : Tuesday, 5 January 2021  |  , , ,

Let us not pee about with the facts here - COVID kills. My partner has just lost her grandad to this f*cking virus. On Boxing Day he was admitted to hospital, and in all honesty, we thought we were going to lose him on New Years Day, which just so happened to be his 93rd birthday. Fortunately he did not slip away then, but it was only a matter of time. I maintained this hope that he and his body would somehow fight back and slowly allow him to return to some kind of acceptable comfort of living. It was not to be. He was given morphine to ease the discomfort of breathing, and he just slept and slept.

There is nothing that p*sses me off more than those who deny the seriousness of this pandemic. Those who refuse to wear a mask, making the same lame excuses as those who refuse to wear condoms on the basis that: "It's like swimming with wellies on". Being asked to wear a mask is not the same as being asked to paint India. When the Government tells us not to party on New Years Eve, they are not doing so to control us. They are doing so to SAVE us. As our elected Government, they have a duty of care to act in our best interests - even if they do happen to be staffed by the finest Etonian hoo-rays. This is not Belarus. Boris's surname is not Lukashenko. We do not live in a dictatorship. There are plenty of those in this world, and anyone who so desires is welcome to seek one out and live under its dictates. Believe me, singing We Will Never Forget in public will not necessarily get you arrested over here. Just don't make like Rachel Goldwyn and sing it in bloody Myanmar!

This has nothing to do with Bill Gates, George Soros, 5G or anything else. There is NO SUCH THING as a New World Order. Got that? Prince and Michael Jackson were not murdered by the Illuminati. Know why? The Illuminati does NOT exist. And if it does, it does not control anyone. Conspiracy theories achieve nothing, so just stop wasting your lives entertaining these crazy notions. The barcode/devil nonsense? That is exactly what it is - nonsense! When we bring something into our homes with a barcode on it, we are not inviting the devil into our homes! Stop filling people's heads with juvenile sh*t.

Right now we have better things to worry about, like the premature and needless death of a loved one. All he did was post a letter. There was no other way for him to contract that damn virus. It is so easy to catch it, and it will f*ck up your life and those around you.

Wear your mask. Get vaccinated. Be a f*cking adult.

Gammon for Christmas

9:09 pm : Thursday, 24 December 2020  |  , , ,

Well somehow or another, the shaggy twat Boris Johnson has managed to achieve a Brexit deal with the EU. Hardly comfort for those truckers all queued up outside Dover, spending their Christmas in their damn trucks. Naturally the Little Englanders with their gammon complexions will be celebrating this moment. It's no wonder Scotland is keen to break away from us and join the EU of their own accord. Unlike us, they have never really had a problem with the French etc. There was always a little "alliance" between the French and the Scots. Us, on the other hand, chose Brexit for reasons such as: "getting the Muslims out". Says everything, doesn't it! Separatist b@st@ards.

And as for the argument of: "If you don't like it, leave" - that has been taken away too. That old school friend who has been living in Portugal for a good few years - she is probably going to have a load of hoops to jump through, else face being sent back to this wet and windy sh!thole. We are not better off as a result.

Still, enjoy your Christmas any which way you can.

Tiers of dismay

9:15 pm : Monday, 21 December 2020  |  ,

It is going to be a horrible Christmas for so many people this year. While our area is currently under Tier 2, there is no ignoring the fact that our nearest city will be spending the festive period under the horrific and censorious Tier 4. Effectively, people there are being subjected to what we all were back in March. And with this new strain of the virus making its way around, life is about to become seriously unpleasant. There is no denying this whole year has been an almighty pile of horse.

My mum is safe and well in her care home, and while care homes are supposed to be among the first to receive the Pfizer/BioNTech jab, staff have admitted that things will not start to move until at least mid-January. Hell, even the Government doesn't have a bleeding clue.

Me and my partner had a COVID-19 test in late November, and thankfully tested negative. An old school friend of mine has had it, and has been suffering seizures since. This is just not a joking matter. Three kids almost lost their mother. Losing her would also have hurt me severely, as she was one of the very few in that school who could be bothered to treat me like the human being that I was, and was also around for me during my horrendous depressions in more recent years. She is a diamond, and the world still needs her.

I really do wish everyone a peaceful and hopefully enjoyable Christmas - as enjoyable as they can muster. Just wear your mask. When offered, take the jab. Show some responsibility. Behave like the adult that you are. This is no time for lies and conspiracies. This has nothing to do with Bill Gates, George Soros or 5G internet. The vaccine does NOT contain a microchip. You do NOT "get aborted babies injected straight in your vein". Face the facts. We all play an important part here.

Orange crushed

7:17 pm : Saturday, 7 November 2020  |  , , ,

Words cannot express how happy I am, now that Joe Biden is the 46th President of the USA. At long last, four horrible years are over, and we can now look forward to no longer listening to the lies and the childish rantings of a madman. The b@st@rd that is Donald Trump has been fired. The man who inspired events such as the Unite The Right rally in Charlottesville Virginia. White w@nkers carrying torches and seeking to defend rights for whites. All topped off with some lonely video game addict ramming his car into opposition protestors - killing one and injuring nineteen.

Let us face facts - when Twitter takes to censoring the tweets of the US President, then you know something is very wrong with the bloody idiot. He even believed in committing his opponent Hillary Clinton to prison! I always thought George W Bush was a complete ret@rd, but the orange idiot with the toilet seat hair certainly succeeding in taking things to an almighty low.

But that is now becoming part of history. The big baby has lost his job. Let the right-wing foamers blame the likes of George Soros for this (and they are doing that right now on the Daily Mail website!) It's time for change. It's time for compassion and humanity.

Bang out of order

10:55 pm : Thursday, 10 September 2020  |  ,

Today marks my 48th birthday, and a very pleasant day it has been. There has been the usual Bacardi and Lindor, and a wonderful samples box of Green and Blacks chocolate. She knows what I like! I have had chocolate with salted caramel before, but today I tried just milk chocolate with a touch of sea salt. It is a fascinating combination. Green and Blacks chocolate is proper chocolate, and is best enjoyed by breaking off a small piece and letting it melt slowly in the mouth, allowing the flavours to unfold and delight. That distant jolt of the added salt really does add to the experience.

Birthdays normally involve receiving an Amazon gift card, and what better way to spend it than on some vinyl? First up I chose Carole King's 1971 legend Tapestry. This is an album that truly belongs in every collection. You can honestly forget the likes of Nirvana and Radiohead - their albums are truly worthless when compared to this stripped-down and thoroughly empowering album. The songs of Ms King are veritable treasures.

My second vinyl choice is Good Times! by The Monkees. Released in 2016, this album marked their 50th anniversary, and features a posthumous appearance by Davy Jones. The three remaining members perform songs written by the likes of Andy Partridge (XTC), Rivers Cuomo (Weezer), and a track by Paul Weller and Noel Gallagher. It is a real bucket of joy, and while the CD version was a little lively in tone, the LP version should be a smoother listen - smooth as a boat on a sea of Mars bars!

The third choice is Keane and their 2004 debut Hopes and Fears. A rock band that used the piano as the lead instrument instead of the obligatory guitar. Songs like Everybody's Changing and Somewhere Only We Know hold such memories for me. Their sound was truly their own, and this album became the second biggest UK seller of 2004, beaten to first place by the Scissor Sisters.

The day has not been without drama though. Why else would I provide such a title and picture? While on the computer earlier today I heard an emergency siren. Expecting an ambulance to be coming, I witnessed a fire engine entering our close. Not a great surprise, as the fire service are routinely trained to offer assistance until an ambulance becomes available. Allowing curiosity to get the better of me, I wandered outdoors to see a column of black smoke emerging from a nearby property. The immediate response was: "Oh good Lord, no!" While others stood watching rather closely, I kept a greater distance from the building, horrified as flames were appearing over the roofline. A couple of minutes later there is a phenomenal explosion, and a fireball emerges with fury, which finally convinced the other people to STAND WELL BACK! Later we learned that this was due to a neighbour's oil storage tank going off. Acetylene canisters were also involved. A total of five fire engines turned up, which was necessary as the first one was emptied trying to control the fire. It was not an easy one to contain.

At about 5:30pm the local ice cream van passed by, and despite our close being cordoned off by the police, he was ushered in to provide much needed iced relief for the many fire and police personnel, as well as the residents. His presence was definitely appreciated at that very time, and there was no way the police were going to let the aftermath of a major incident get in the way of some sorely-needed pleasure!

Another one bites the dust

9:57 pm : Tuesday, 28 July 2020  |  , ,

I have never been a fan of Wiley - or indeed of any grime artist. To me, he was just that bloke who did a track in 2009 entitled Wearing My Rolex. Not a person I've ever given much thought to, though I somehow had about twelve of his songs in my DJ music collection - either his or through collaborations. Maybe they got played in the past, maybe they did not.

This week saw that change. Anything of his was promptly removed from the collection. It is a fate that has befallen the likes of R Kelly and Chris Brown. I don't consider myself a censorious old b@st@rd, but I don't really want to promote the music of people who have actively caused harm. Jonathan King and Gary Glitter also have no place in the collection. Michael Jackson, however, remains innocent in my eyes. And in the eyes of so many others. In fact, only once (in 2003) have I had someone come up and say: "Oi don't play Michael Jackson, he's a pervert!" I promptly told that person to p*ss off and stop telling lies.

So where do we stand on Elvis Presley? It has been stated many a time that he had dalliances with females as young as 14. Apparently we should stop romanticising him and start acknowledging him for what he actually was - a paedophile and a rapist. So what do I tell the VERY MANY older people who continue to request his music? Do I seriously tell the old dear in her seventies: "Sorry, I don't play music by paedophiles"? I know it would be the "woke" thing to do, but that generation are not going to disown The King™ just like that! Some things just do not come easy. It is with heavy heart that I will continue to play The Great Burger Muncher™ for the older listener.

For the record, I also avoid Blurred Lines, with it's ignorant, mocking refrain of "I know you want it!" In fact I don't just avoid it - I don't possess it. You cannot play what you do not have!

Still not forgotten

10:36 pm : Thursday, 23 July 2020  |  

Nine years have passed since our Amy died. A waste of an enormous talent. Another admission to the infamous 27 Club. But that is what happens when you abuse alcohol. My dad's use of alcohol taught me that. Too much of it just wrecks you, and I can't say I was not concerned about it when she was still alive. She was more or less on a path to self-destruction. Something that was not helped by that arse of a husband she chose. I know love is blind, but he was trouble from the word go. Still it was her choice to go with him.

Tonight the vinyl copy of Back To Black came out of its sleeve, and allowed us to swim in the musical chocolate that she and her comrades committed to tape. Her memory will never fade. Her music will live on and shine beautifully. God rest Amy.

I'm at a payphone

12:31 am : Wednesday, 22 July 2020  |  ,

I put some DJ equipment up for sale on Facebook Marketplace recently. In return I asked for a not unreasonable sum. Later on that day, a man contacts me and says: "U want Samsung S6?" In other words, he wanted my equipment but did not want to hand over any actual money for it, and thought I would be willing to accept an old smartphone instead. I responded with a polite "No thank you", thinking this would be the end of it. No chance of that! He then replies with: "OK how about S7?" and sends me pictures of said mobile phone! Needless to say, I blocked the guy. He with no actual money to impart may kindly bog off.

I was then presented with a question - when did smartphones become legal tender? I know there was an advert where a guy in Prague swapped his Levi 501's for a Trabant, but I would rather realise some cash, if that is at all possible! I really was shocked and stunned. I then decided to edit the advert, and tacked the following notice at the bottom: "I will only accept cash - not mobile phones!" That I actually have to put such a disclaimer in an advert is depressing. Come on!

Hee teacheth od fellowes play tricks with their creditors, who instead of payments write IOV, and so scoffe many an honest man out of his goods.

Still, it kind of adds a new meaning to the word payphone.

Stone free

9:38 am : Saturday, 4 July 2020  |  ,

It's weight loss time once again. A couple of weeks ago I weighed myself, and the verdict was: 21 stone and 7 pounds. For American viewers that's 301 pounds, and if you are European you can read it as 136.5 kilos. This is my heaviest weight ever. Add to this mix two arthritic knees and two arthritic big toe joints, and a dose of lower back pain, and it is a true recipe for bad living! The age of 50 is not too far away, and I do have this desire to live beyond 57, which is the age my dad died.

Week one I managed to lose four pounds by restricting what I eat, while week two has seen a further seven pounds shifted. This was achieved by drinking nothing but water. A bloody hard thing to do. Fizzy drinks - even without the sugar - are damn yummy! And energy drinks? Well I enjoyed them a little too much. I know I have a full-time job as a carer to my partner, but is that really a reason for inhaling a litre of Red Terror each and every day? By having a minimum of three litres of water a day, something seems to have changed. The reading is now: 20 stone and 10 pounds (290 pounds / 131.5 kilos).

How did it ever get to this? Back in 2007 I was a thoroughly decent eleven stone, and had energy aplenty. Living as I did in London, I would walk for two hours a day, which was just as well as my eating was not small portioned. Then arthritis and back pain started to rear their damned heads, and my movement was becoming restricted. Weight would then start to pile on at the rate of probably a stone a year. Where once I was svelte, I was now a colossal avalanche. And once the weight goes on, movement only becomes more restricted.

An old school friend died last month, and while he appeared to live a hedonistic lifestyle, it was a reminder for some of us to buck up and make some kind of change. Bad health does not come with any reward. Whether I make it back to eleven stone remains to be seen. There is no fun to be had in looking like a sack of spuds.