7:31 pm : Sunday, 22 August 1999  | 

From London's ES Magazine:

So aggravated was the wife of Theo Christodoulou, of Haringey, by his ill-calculated DIY that she put an OXO cube in the shower head of their incomplete bathroom, causing Theo to pull seven radiators off the wall in revenge.

The barrister of Paul Erkiet, of Ladbroke Grove, admitted his client was "well aware he had an anger problem" after three separate road-rage arrests involving: biting a female driver for honking at him; punching another (and stealing her car keys) for being slow-to-pull-away; and grabbing the throat of a woman on a pedestrian crossing.

Beryl Buckingham, of Chiswick, walked into her local police station and declared, "I've just deliberately reversed into one of your cars outside to get my husband's attention during a row."

Incensed by being blamed for damage to an office fridge, Katie Jean Simpson, of Cricklewood, declared, "I could tell you eight million times" and then threw a filing cabinet through the window.

Mark Helm, of Collier's Wood, set fire to his partner's copy of The Little Book of Calm and "dug up the garden in a destructive manner" after learning she'd agreed to do charity work during his annual holiday period.

Sir Elton John is said to have been angry after the broadcast of a TV documentary showing him shouting at French people "I'm going to leave this f*cking country and I'm never f*cking coming back!"

After being divorced by her husband James, Rona Konnerth found him in a bar and attacked him with scissors, posted a lit pair of petroleum-soaked tights through his letterbox in East London and thereafter carrying a revolver, CS gas cartridges, electric stun gun and balaclava in her car.

Stuart Driver was so inflamed by ex-employee Sandra Darke that, using her credit card details, he ordered an air humidifier, two stuffed parrots, a shower curtain, a model Dalek, a double mattress, some flea trap discs and a full military suit to be sent to her address.

Jenny McDonall, of South-East London, was so angry after a row with her husband Patrick that she climbed onto the roof. She then refused to come down, causing Patrick to "give up my new job with British Rail, to look after the kids".


9:08 pm : Sunday, 15 August 1999  | 

From London's ES Magazine:

Different female names called out in bed by her husband, according to divorce statements by Mrs. Newton-Combe of Cricklewood - 12

Most joke names used for fraudulent benefit claims by one person taken to trial at Southwark Crown Court - 22 (Including Andy Pandy, Jack O,Nory, Ronald McDonald & Ringo Starr)

Sub-categories of worms still in need of names, according to the Natural History Museum - 2,500,000

Officers in the Metropolitan Police Vice Squad with the surname Vice - 1

Years since Elizabeth Hurley's office discreetly admitted that her mother's maiden name was Titt - 4

House names more popular than "The Oaks" in Greater London - 0

Minutes after becoming married and renamed Kat Sluckin, that the aforementioned, of Kensington, had second thoughts and vanished to the Divine Light Meditation Commune in Finchley,to become "K" - 15

Minutes driver Bart Simpson was questioned on the A1 before police believed it was his real name - 8

Estimated expense this decade by British Telecom in letting "nomenclature re-inventor" Wally Olins of Wolff Olins, London, reduce their name to BT - £50,000,000

Days after addressing customer Ruth Snell Rainbow Van Gogh as "Ms SnellRainbowHallucinogenicExperience" that the British Gas employee responsible was sacked - 3

Smiths in Greater London - 32,105 +

London roads, centres or blocks of flats named after Nelson or Winnie Mandela - 14

London residents with names longer than "Lt. General His Highness Shri Shri Shri (plus 100 more Shris) Maharajadhiraj Raj Rajeshwar Maharja-i-Rajgan Maharaja Sir Yadvindra Singh Mahendra Bahadur Yadu Vanshavatans Bhatti Kul Bhustan Rajpramukh of Patiala - 0

Emergency Calls

6:48 pm : Sunday, 8 August 1999  | 

From London's ES Magazine:

Forty or fifty call handlers at any one time operate the 999 room in Euston. Last year they handled two million calls - three quarters of which were judged "inappropriate" or "rubbish".

Can you tell me the time, please?

I have a blister.

Today, I found an umbrella on the number 29 bus.

I still have an old £5 note. Can I use it?

Is there an ambulance free? I have bad acne.

I'm calling from Australia. Could the police go along to a club in Soho and verify that my boyfriend's not drunk? Because he says the doorman says he's drunk and can't come in.

I have itchy legs.

Can you give me the telephone number of the Dorchester Hotel?

I'm pregnant. Do I need to use a seatbelt?

My window has been painted and I cannot shut it. Can a policeman help?

I have shampoo in my eyes.

My daughter's making lemon meringue pies and we're trying to remember how many eggs to put in.

I have lost my false teeth. Can you assist me in a search?

Do you know the frequency of LBC?

I have a rash which developed after a curry. Can you send an ambulance?

Is there a local plumber you'd recomend?

There is a bees nest in the loft.

It's Trisha here - I have piles again.

Can someone ask my son to turn his stereo down?

My baby is crying.

Can a f***ing ambulance take me home from the pub?

I have a broken nail.

There's a cat in my house. Should I leave it until morning?

Where is the best place to order a take-away at this time?

I have lost a crown from my tooth.

Did anyone pick up a £20 note yesterday?

My cousin won't share his duvet.

I have a cold and a sore throat.

I've just seen a rabbit on a central reservation.