Finding a wife
Thursday 11 September 2008 - 6:01 pm
love
The Top 15 Biblical ways to acquire a wife
- Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13) - Find a prostitute and marry her.
Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3) - Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
Moses (Exodus 2:16-21) - Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10) - Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25) - Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. (Note: this will cost you a rib)
Adam (Genesis 2:19-24) - Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right - fourteen years of toil for a woman.
Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30) - Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
David (I Samuel 18:27) - Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course)
Cain (Genesis 4:16-17) - Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4) - When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
Samson (Judges 14:1-3) - Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though)
David (2 Samuel 11) - Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea - it's the law)
Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth) - Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3) - A wife?...NOT!!!
Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
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