theFLUTEBOY

Crumble Song

While I am not the greatest watcher of Britain's Got Talent, last night's show gave us a moment that made me happy as hell!

Cheltenham-based musician and comedian Lorraine Bowen came on stage with a vintage Casio MT-100* keyboard on an ironing board, and treated us to a song about crumble. One Mr. Cowell was clearly not impressed, though a certain Mr. Walliams was so delighted with the spectacle that he found fit to press the Golden Buzzer - thus sending Ms. Bowen straight to the semi-final!

Imagine John Shuttleworth in the style of Victoria Wood and/or Miranda Hart. This is entertainment folks!

* (For some unfathomable reason, this late 80's keyboard came equipped with a graphic equaliser. Quite why Casio thought this was a necessary addition, I am at a loss to understand. To me at least, it kind of makes about as much sense as having a graphic equaliser on a fax machine.)
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Handle with care

After the misery and bile that was the last post, Here is something a bit more joyful. The following video was recorded on Wednesday at the Rose and Crown in Oundle. My rendition of the 1988 Traveling Wilburys classic Handle With Care. This involves using four voices - George Harrison, Roy Orbison, Bob Dylan and Jeff Lynne. Trying to ape a latter-day Mr. Dylan is a little hard on the throat. If you can manage to sound as though your nose has grown lips, then you are well on your way to success.
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The turkeys have voted for Christmas

The following post is an angry and despairing one. Decide for yourself whether you can stomach the whinings of an old red...

I am thoroughly ashamed and miserable. After five years of hardship and heartache under the Conservatives, we now have another five years to endure under them. More cuts aimed squarely at the unfortunate among us [an example]. It really does make me sick to the stomach.

All of you who voted Conservative are complete and utter sh*ts. The lot of you. You make me sick. Whatever possessed you to do as you did? Were you not born with hearts or brains? If so, have you no idea how to flipping well use them? Do you honestly care about no-one but your stupid little selves? Is the last penny in your pocket REALLY THAT IMPORTANT??

Yes, I may sound like ranting old left-wing loony, but I would rather live in a country that CARES about the less fortunate. It is perfectly simple: The growth of a nation cannot be achieved by keeping the down-trodden down. My only prayer now is that those nationalist types in Scotland now start to create merry hell for the Conservatives. Talk about poles apart. Create some fireworks, why don't you!

And if you think I am being a doom-monger, then consider the words of Stuart Heritage in today's Guardian:

"The country is screwed. The electorate is evil. The UK has become a flat, ugly, smouldering disaster zone, and by the year 2020 we’ll all be dressed in rags and feasting on abandoned placentas for sustenance, like the people in Threads."

Well really! I love the taste of placenta in the morning - tastes like victory!
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It's time for change

The above picture was taken during the local/European elections of last year. Some godforsaken UKIP headquarters with a frayed Union flag, and an A4 printout saying: "If your not Ukip Your not BRITISH". I know we shouldn't mock the afflicted, but equating party allegiance with nationhood? Talk about dangerous minds! And if we need further proof that UKIP are a dangerous bunch, then watch this video that was originally posted on the Daily Mirror site:

Anyhow back on topic. Today is at long last the day we all go out and vote - or as many of us as can be bothered to do so. My only prayer is that we dispense with Mr. Cameron and his Eton brigade, and usher the Labour Party back in. Agree or disagree - that's entirely up to you. I personally want rid of this current lot. Iain Duncan-Smith has done way too much damage. People have died as a result of his policies. Enough is enough. We need our money back.

I don't care if Mr. Miliband bears a striking resemblance to Beaker - he has got to be less of a liability for our country. Yes there is a deficit that needs paying down, but severe austerity is not the way to do it. Having normal people suffer is no way to run a country. We do not need another "Yes it hurt. Yes it worked." Loosen the f*cking belt, why don't you! Some of us cannot breathe too easily. You have had five years, and now you must go. As for the extra £4000 a year in tax-free allowance - it was those friendly, caring Lib-Dems who insisted on that - you merely allowed them to get it through. Poor Mr. Clegg, effectively function as Mr. Cameron's condom.

Surely it is beyond time to leave behind the pathetic, selfish notion of "Look after number one, and to Hell with everyone else". I mean, have we not evolved? If you actually care about the next person, then vote Labour. If you have a heart and a brain - and they function - and you know how to USE them - vote Labour.

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