Finding a wife
The Top 15 Biblical ways to acquire a wife
  • Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
    Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
  •  Find a prostitute and marry her.
    Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
  • Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
    Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
  • Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
    Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
  • Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
    Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
  • Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. (Note: this will cost you a rib)
    Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
  • Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right - fourteen years of toil for a woman.
    Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
  • Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
    David (I Samuel 18:27)
  • Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course)
    Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
  • Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
    Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
  • When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
    Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
  • Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though)
    David (2 Samuel 11)
  • Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea - it's the law)
    Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
  • Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
    Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
  • A wife?...NOT!!!
    Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
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P!$s poor
Ah well - September's here, and the summer is over. And judging by that rain outside, the summer is definitely over! Another crap one - that's two years on the trot. Global warming??? Where's the f*cking warmth?! All I wanted was a decent summer to make up for last year's poor excuse, and look what we got! Someone keep me warm, please.
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